im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
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