i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
