Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
