So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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