I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
