Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
