We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
