he thought i was a dude.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
