Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
