I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
