Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
