that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
