Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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