There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think my fart just growled at me.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
