Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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