Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
