you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
