I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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