im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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