Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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