remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
is wine microwaveable?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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