I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
