i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
