just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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