splinters make it hard to masturbate
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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