Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
