It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
