Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
