You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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