I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
