My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
