they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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