Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
