News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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