dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she looked like the before picture.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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