just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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