I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
