Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
