I looked at my own cervix.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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