I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
