it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
