I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
