The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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