i can't believe i had my finger in that
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
