I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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