I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
