I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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