her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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