walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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