Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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